1st Memo - RAINBOW RUMPUS SCHOOLFEEDING TOWN [Open]

[cancercarcino]

Sender: Sun Wukong (Journey to the West) | Karkat Vantas

Recipient: Everyone

IT'S RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT AN EMBARRASSINGLY HIGH NUMBER OF PEOPLE TRAPPED IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A WIGGLER TALE SEEM TO BE STRUGGLING WITH A VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CIVILIZED LIVING.
WHETHER IT BE LAYING PROSTRATE ACROSS THESE PAGES WITH DESPERATE WORDS PLEADING FOR GUIDANCE OR BECAUSE A SCENE DICTATES IT TO BE SO IN ORDER TO FIX WHATEVER STORY WE'RE STUCK FIXING, THE LACK OF BASIC KNOWLEDGE ON THIS AREA IS HONESTLY PRETTY ASTOUNDING, GIVEN THAT THE ENTIRE REASON FOR OUR BEING HERE IS TO FIX *STORIES*.
YOU KNOW, THE THINGS YOU READ AND HAVE PREDICTABLE PLOT LINES AND END IN EITHER DEATH, MUTILATION, OR POSSIBLY THE FULFILLMENT OF ONE'S HOPES AND DREAMS IN ORDER TO FULFILL A READER'S OWN LACK OF FULFILLMENT IN THEIR OWN SAD EXISTENCE?
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT ROMANCE.
ROMANCE IS *FUNDAMENTAL* TO THESE KINDS OF STORIES, AND YET SO MANY OF YOU IDIOTS CAN'T SEEM TO GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPT OF ASKING SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE OR EVEN SORTING OUT YOUR OWN FEELINGS ON THE MATTER.
IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EMBARRASSING AND IT MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE FUCK YOUR SPECIES HAS EVEN EVOLVED PAST THE PRIMORDIAL SLIME STAGE TO MAKE IT THIS FAR.
BUT FEAR NOT, YOU SORRY, UNCULTURED HERD OF BEEFGRUBS!
BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I HAPPEN TO BE A GODDAMN *EXPERT* ON ROMANCE.
I'VE READ SO MANY TEXTS AND STUDIED SO MANY FILMS ON ROMANCE THAT I COULD DESCRIBE TO YOU THE SUBTLE NUANCES ONE MIGHT EXPERIENCE AND HOW THEY HELP TO ENRICH ANY ASPECT OF ONE'S ROMANTIC PURSUITS, FROM QUADRANT VACILLATION TO THE BALANCE BETWEEN HATRED AND KISMESISSITUDE.
"BUT WAIT," I HEAR YOU PRACTICALLY WHINING THROUGH THE PAGES OF YOUR JOURNAL, "HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THESE WORDS BEFORE??"
WELL THAT IS BECAUSE I'M TEACHING YOU ALL TROLL ROMANCE.
AND WHY AM I TEACHING YOU ALL ABOUT TROLL ROMANCE?
BECAUSE HUMAN ROMANCE IS DUMB AND SEVERELY LACKING IN ANY SORT OF SUBSTANCE OR COMPLEXITY.
IT'LL BE A CRASH COURSE IN CULTURAL EXCHANGE, SURE, BUT GIVEN HOW INADEQUATE HUMANS ARE WHEN IT COMES TO UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEX ROMANTIC ENDEAVOURS AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL A MOIRAIL FROM AN AUSPISTICE EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING THE PROPER TERMS FOR IT, THIS IS THE KIND OF ROMANCE I'M GOING TO TEACH.
AND HONESTLY, IF EVERY SINGLE STORY WE ENCOUNTER DEALS WITH ROMANCE OF SOME KIND, THIS INFORMATION IS GONNA BE VITAL FOR FIXING THEM SOONER AND GETTING THE FUCK BACK HOME FASTER!
SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT SCHOOLFEEDING OF YOUR LIVES, ALL FREE OF CHARGE!
OF COURSE, ANY PRAISE YOU WISH TO HURL MY WAY IS ACCEPTABLE AND EVEN ENCOURAGED.
I'M PRACTICALLY WAITING ON YOU PRONG AND FUCKING NUB OVER HERE, A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY, ENOUGH PREFACE, ON TO THE ACTUAL LESSON!

[And then Karkat draws the following image:]



YOU SEE THIS?
COPY IT DOWN. MEMORIZE IT. LIVE AND BREATHE IT.
BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BASIS OF ALL I'M ABOUT TO TEACH YOU ALL.
SERIOUSLY, FIND A GODDAMN PEN AND START TAKING NOTES.

[And unless anyone stops to ask questions, Karkat is going to go into a long-winded, swear-ridden description of troll romance for all to see.]

Comments

from: Davy Jones

[deadmentellnotails]

What the fresh hell was this?

[cancercarcino]

YOU'VE GOT GLANCE NUGGETS AND A HALF-FUNCTIONING THINK PAN, DON'T YOU?
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?
IT'S A LESSON IN ROMANCE!
WITH HOW HOPELESS ALL OF YOU ARE, I'M MAKING SURE WE HAVE HALF A CHANCE GOING FORWARD WITH THESE STORIES!

[deadmentellnotails]

It's bullshit.

Rokurou Rangetsu | Huntsman

[rokubro]

But have you ever really been in an actual relationship? Or...like a date?

Not gonna lie I zoned out.

Nice grid, though, like the bleeding heart. Is that supposed to mean something?

Re: Rokurou Rangetsu | Huntsman

[cancercarcino]

WHAT?
I FIND YOUR ABSOLUTE LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN MY VASTLY SUPERIOR KNOWLEDGE POOL TO BE INSULTING AND IF I COULD I'D FIND A WAY TO STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN ACID TUBES.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT *YES*, I ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE!
SURE THAT RELATIONSHIP IS A REALLY SUDDEN MOIRAILLEGEANCE WITH AN UNSTABLE CLOWN-LOVING MURDER-HOBO, BUT SOMETIMES YOU DON'T REALLY CHOOSE WHO IT IS YOU FALL INTO PALEMATES WITH.
AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT YOUR ATTENTION SPAN IS SHORTER THAN THE LIFESPAN OF A CHEESE CRITTER IN A DEN OF PURRBEASTS.
DO SOME FUCKING WORK AND READ IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHAT AM I, A GODDAMN LUSUS? DO I HAVE TO PHYSICALLY CHEW YOUR FOOD AND VOMIT IT BACK UP FOR YOU TO GAIN NUTRIENTS?

AND THE HEART ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BLEED, THE INK I USED STARTED RUNNING.

[rokubro]

[...W o w.]

If it takes several pages to try and explain romance, I think that means it's way more complicated than it should be.

Mordred | Krampus

[arrogator]

What the hell is that, a graph?

[Though really, what is any of this?]

Re: Mordred | Krampus

[cancercarcino]

IT'S A VISUAL AID, OBVIOUSLY!
HOLY SHIT, DID YOU LISTEN TO ANYTHING I JUST SAID?
IT'S REALLY SIMPLE, BUT I FIGURED SINCE EVERYONE HERE IS GOING TO BE WORKING OFF OF HALF THE SLIME IN THE PAN, I'D DUMB IT DOWN TO WIGGLER-LEVEL WITH PICTURES AND EVERYTHING.
IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING COMPLICATED, OKAY??

[arrogator]

Course I didn't. It's a lot and it seems like nonsense, so no way am I reading all that.

Steelbeak | Don Quixote

[itsasteel]

[What the heck??? Steelbeak isn't even going to take the time to read all that. He only skimmed it.]

Maybe instead of wasting all your time writing about romance, you should go find yourself a girlfriend to keep you busy. [.........] Or a boyfriend. Whatever you want. Because this is just sad.

Re: Steelbeak | Don Quixote

[cancercarcino]

OH, WELL EXCUSE ME IF ME WANTING TO MAKE SURE WE HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE OF NOT FUCKING OVER THE NEXT STORY WE GO INTO IS TOO MUCH FOR YOUR SAD, UNDERDEVELOPED THINK PAN TO COMPREHEND!
I'M A FUCKING EXPERT HERE, AND AM TRYING TO IMBUE YOU ALL WITH EVEN A FRACTION OF THAT KNOWLEDGE!
BUT I MEAN, SURE, IF YOU WANT TO GO INTO THE NEXT STORY BLUMBERING ABOUT WHILE FONDLING YOUR EROGENOUS SHAME GLOBES INSTEAD OF, I DON'T KNOW, TURNING THE STORY INTO SOMETHING DECENT, THEN WHO AM I TO STOP YOU?

[itsasteel]

If you're such an expert, how come you don't know romance doesn't need all this "teaching"? It just happens. Dinner, second base, movie, homerun... That's when the winners swipe all their money and never call them again. The losers end up getting trapped in a marriage.

It's all really basic. If you have to write a three page essay on it, you're not doing it right.

Lena Sabrewing | Pinocchio

[outofyourshadow]

[ Unlike most of the other people replying, Lena had actually been trying to pay attention, in a mildly curious kind of way. But trying to read all of it has her eyes crossing, because wow is this long. ]

Hey look, as much as I appreciate what you're trying to do, you might wanna summarize it a bit? You're just kind of rambling now.

And why is this all in caps? That makes it even harder to read.

Re: Lena Sabrewing | Pinocchio

[cancercarcino]

FINALLY!
SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY APPRECIATES THE HARD WORK I'M TRYING TO DO HERE!
YOU SEE THIS, EVERYONE? THIS IS THE KIND OF THING YOU SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION TO!
THESE ARE THE KINDS OF QUESTIONS YOU SHOULD BE ASKING!
NOT DRAINING THE SLUDGE FROM YOUR THINK PAN AND DECLARING ANYTHING SLIGHTLY HARDER THAN BREAKING WIND TO BE BULLSHIT.
NOW LOOK, I COULD TRY TO SKIP OVER SOME OF THE DETAILS, BUT IT'S A REALLY INTRICATE THING AND MISSING SOME OF THE NUANCES MIGHT BE BAD.
LIKE KNOWING WHEN IT'S GOOD TO BE AN AUSPISTICE OR WHETHER TO LET SOMETHING PITCH DEVELOP.
AND WE WANT THE BEST OUTCOME, RIGHT? WE GOTTA GET THAT TOP PRIZE AND KICK THESE STORIES'S ASSES PROPERLY!
SO I DON'T EXACTLY KNOW HOW MANY DETAILS TO SKIM OVER HERE.

AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WAY I WRITE?
THIS STUPID WORLD DOESN'T HAVE ANY COMPUTERS, I HAVE TO MAKE DUE WITH WHAT I CAN.
GOD, I HAVEN'T WRITTEN THIS MUCH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEFORE.

[outofyourshadow]

There isn't anyway to explain it without shortening it just a bit? Sometimes less is more, y'know.

Can't you just write normally? Writing everything in caps just takes even longer.

Rosalia | Medusa

[bloodinbloom]

[So a lot of that flew over Rosalia's head. She didn't realize it had to be so complicated... but one thing she really did pick up on was...]

I'm kind of surprised you study romance.

[Especially since he was... kind of confused in the act. Huh.]

[cancercarcino]

[Oh hey, that's someone he recognizes. But he's still in Rant Mode, so ]

WELL OBVIOUSLY I WOULD STUDY ROMANCE!
YOU HUMANS MIGHT NOT FULLY COMPREHEND THE NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE INTRICACIES THAT IS ROMANCE, BUT IT'S KIND OF A BIG FUCKING DEAL ON ALTERNIA.
SO EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME IF I WANT TO MAKE SURE WE ALL HAVE THE BEST CHANCE TO ACTUALLY FIX THESE STUPID STORIES.

Skull Kid | Puck

[drawin_on_trees]

THATS TOO MANY WORDS

[cancercarcino]

OH, I'M SORRY, DID THE BIG BABY GET OFFENDED BY MY VERBAL ASSAULT ON HIS GLANCE NUGGETS?
MAYBE THE REASON I'M USING SO MANY WORDS IS BECAUSE THEY'RE IMPORTANT!
SO HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THEM, YOU ACTUALLY SPEND SOME TIME READING THEM INSTEAD?

Luca Balsa | Count of Monte Cristo

[allegedprisoner]

[ At first, he wondered how all these angry notes about "romance" got into his journal... Then he reread the instructions and remembered the journal was a magic courier system.

Guess he's responding! ]

You're really passionate about this, aren't you?

[cancercarcino]

OF COURSE I'M PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS!
ROMANCE IS A VERY INTERESTING AND INTRICATE AREA OF STUDY.
NOT TO MENTION IT CAN LITERALLY BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
I'D LIKE TO SAY I'M AN EXPERT ON THE MATERIAL, SO PEOPLE SHOULD BE LISTENING TO ME WHEN I FORCIBLY SCHOOLFEED YOU ALL THIS VALUABLE INFORMATION!

From: Junpei | Bear Prince

[blazeoflife]

[ That was a whole lotta words. ]

Okay lemme get this straight. I think

Heart = What reg humans think romance is
Spade = Like when girls wanna pair up characters that hate one another in anime, cause they're like rivals and shit
Diamond = Best friends that support one another
Club = Three friends where like, two of them butt heads but one other person can keep the peace???

[cancercarcino]

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT GIRLS HAVE TO DO WITH A KISMESISSITUDE, BUTIF THAT'S HOW YOUR STUPID HUMAN SPONGE PROCESSES IT, I GUESS THAT'S NOT TOO FAR OFF.
SEE? SEE??
WHY IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND?
EVEN IF YOU'VE BROKEN IT DOWN TO THE LITERAL BASICS OF BASIC HIVE CONSTRUCTION BLOCKS, YOU'RE AT LEAST MAKING AN ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND!
THAT'S SAYING MORE THAN HALF OF THESE CHUCKLEFUCKERS.

from: kaiba | santa claus

[blue_ice]

[ He diligently takes notes, faltering a little as this goes on. He trails off at moirail, and then again at kismesis...]

Fated nemesis...a rivalry that defines...

Wait. This is ridiculous. Real emotions can't be broken up into cardsuits like this.

[cancercarcino]

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS A CARDSUITS?