forgottentales | 1st Memo - RAINBOW RUMPUS SCHOOLFEEDING TOWN [Open]

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1st Memo - RAINBOW RUMPUS SCHOOLFEEDING TOWN [Open]

Sender: Sun Wukong (Journey to the West) | Karkat Vantas

Recipient: Everyone

IT'S RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT AN EMBARRASSINGLY HIGH NUMBER OF PEOPLE TRAPPED IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A WIGGLER TALE SEEM TO BE STRUGGLING WITH A VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CIVILIZED LIVING.
WHETHER IT BE LAYING PROSTRATE ACROSS THESE PAGES WITH DESPERATE WORDS PLEADING FOR GUIDANCE OR BECAUSE A SCENE DICTATES IT TO BE SO IN ORDER TO FIX WHATEVER STORY WE'RE STUCK FIXING, THE LACK OF BASIC KNOWLEDGE ON THIS AREA IS HONESTLY PRETTY ASTOUNDING, GIVEN THAT THE ENTIRE REASON FOR OUR BEING HERE IS TO FIX *STORIES*.
YOU KNOW, THE THINGS YOU READ AND HAVE PREDICTABLE PLOT LINES AND END IN EITHER DEATH, MUTILATION, OR POSSIBLY THE FULFILLMENT OF ONE'S HOPES AND DREAMS IN ORDER TO FULFILL A READER'S OWN LACK OF FULFILLMENT IN THEIR OWN SAD EXISTENCE?
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT ROMANCE.
ROMANCE IS *FUNDAMENTAL* TO THESE KINDS OF STORIES, AND YET SO MANY OF YOU IDIOTS CAN'T SEEM TO GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPT OF ASKING SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE OR EVEN SORTING OUT YOUR OWN FEELINGS ON THE MATTER.
IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EMBARRASSING AND IT MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE FUCK YOUR SPECIES HAS EVEN EVOLVED PAST THE PRIMORDIAL SLIME STAGE TO MAKE IT THIS FAR.
BUT FEAR NOT, YOU SORRY, UNCULTURED HERD OF BEEFGRUBS!
BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I HAPPEN TO BE A GODDAMN *EXPERT* ON ROMANCE.
I'VE READ SO MANY TEXTS AND STUDIED SO MANY FILMS ON ROMANCE THAT I COULD DESCRIBE TO YOU THE SUBTLE NUANCES ONE MIGHT EXPERIENCE AND HOW THEY HELP TO ENRICH ANY ASPECT OF ONE'S ROMANTIC PURSUITS, FROM QUADRANT VACILLATION TO THE BALANCE BETWEEN HATRED AND KISMESISSITUDE.
"BUT WAIT," I HEAR YOU PRACTICALLY WHINING THROUGH THE PAGES OF YOUR JOURNAL, "HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THESE WORDS BEFORE??"
WELL THAT IS BECAUSE I'M TEACHING YOU ALL TROLL ROMANCE.
AND WHY AM I TEACHING YOU ALL ABOUT TROLL ROMANCE?
BECAUSE HUMAN ROMANCE IS DUMB AND SEVERELY LACKING IN ANY SORT OF SUBSTANCE OR COMPLEXITY.
IT'LL BE A CRASH COURSE IN CULTURAL EXCHANGE, SURE, BUT GIVEN HOW INADEQUATE HUMANS ARE WHEN IT COMES TO UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEX ROMANTIC ENDEAVOURS AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL A MOIRAIL FROM AN AUSPISTICE EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING THE PROPER TERMS FOR IT, THIS IS THE KIND OF ROMANCE I'M GOING TO TEACH.
AND HONESTLY, IF EVERY SINGLE STORY WE ENCOUNTER DEALS WITH ROMANCE OF SOME KIND, THIS INFORMATION IS GONNA BE VITAL FOR FIXING THEM SOONER AND GETTING THE FUCK BACK HOME FASTER!
SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT SCHOOLFEEDING OF YOUR LIVES, ALL FREE OF CHARGE!
OF COURSE, ANY PRAISE YOU WISH TO HURL MY WAY IS ACCEPTABLE AND EVEN ENCOURAGED.
I'M PRACTICALLY WAITING ON YOU PRONG AND FUCKING NUB OVER HERE, A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY, ENOUGH PREFACE, ON TO THE ACTUAL LESSON!

[And then Karkat draws the following image:]

YOU SEE THIS?
COPY IT DOWN. MEMORIZE IT. LIVE AND BREATHE IT.
BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BASIS OF ALL I'M ABOUT TO TEACH YOU ALL.
SERIOUSLY, FIND A GODDAMN PEN AND START TAKING NOTES.

[And unless anyone stops to ask questions, Karkat is going to go into a long-winded, swear-ridden description of troll romance for all to see.]

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There isn't anyway to explain it without shortening it just a bit? Sometimes less is more, y'know.

Can't you just write normally? Writing everything in caps just takes even longer.

NORMALLY I WOULD ARGUE WITH YOU ON THAT POINT, BUT GIVEN HOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO ISN'T FLIPPING THEIR METAPHORICAL SHIT OVER THIS, I CAN PROBABLY MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
MAYBE IF I JUST EXPLAIN IT QUADRANT BY QUADRANT...
OKAY, SO, WHICH QUADRANT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT?

UH, NO?
EVERYONE HAS A TYPING QUIRK, HOW THE FUCK ELSE WOULD YOU TELL EVERYONE APART?
OR, WELL, WRITING QUIRK I GUESS IN THIS CASE.

I mean, the post and replies ares labelled with your name and everything. So people will always know it's you, no matter how you're writing.

[ It takes her another moment before more text appears, just because she has to go back through the pages of notes that he'd already taken to explaining these quadrants. ]

What about the club one? "Auspisticism"?

[ The other three she kind of got, but this one was just weird. ]

SURE PEOPLE WOULD KNOW MY HANDLE BUT A TYPING QUIRK IS UNIQUE TO A TROLL.
IT'S LIKE TELLING A HIGHBLOOD TO STOP USING FISH PUNS, THAT'S JUST NOT GOING TO FUCKING HAPPEN.

OKAY, SO AUSPISTICISM!
I'LL ADMIT THAT'S THE MOST CONVOLUTED OF THE THREE AND HAS A GOOD CHANCE OF ROYALLY FUCKING UP IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL.
BASICALLY, IT'S A RELATIONSHIP WHERE THREE PEOPLE ARE IN IT, AND ONE ACTS AS A DEDICATED MEDIATOR BETWEEN THE OTHER TWO.
THOSE OTHER TWO MIGHT GET ANNOYED AT THE AUSPISTICE BECAUSE HEY, WHAT IF THEY'RE TRYING TO DEVELOP A KISMESIS HERE?
BUT THE AUSPISTICE IS DIFFERENT!
WITHOUT THEM, THAT POTENTIAL KISMESISSITUDE MIGHT END UP PRETTY FUCKING DISASTROUSLY.
THE RIVALRY MIGHT TURN TO ACTUAL PLATONIC HATE, OR MIGHT BE TOO MUCH FOR ONE PARTY TO HANDLE.
NOT TO MENTION THE RAMPANT BLACKROM INFIDELITY THAT WOULD HAPPEN OTHERWISE.
SO THAT'S WHY AN AUSPISTICE IS NECESSARY. TO KEEP TWO PEOPLE FROM EITHER PURSUING A KISMESISSITUDE THAT COULD FUCK UP ANY PITCH RELATIONSHIPS THEY ALREADY HAVE, OR TO STOP THEM FROM LITERALLY MURDERING ONE ANOTHER.

[ She has no idea what he means by highbloods and fish puns, so she doesn't ask about it anymore. ]

So it's a threesome, except they all dislike each other?

IF YOU WANT TO BREAK IT DOWN INTO THE MOST INSULTINGLY BARE BASIC FORM CONCEIVABLE, THEN YES, YOU COULD SAY THAT.
ONLY IT'S A PLATONIC DISLIKE, AND MORE OF A PERSISTENT ANNOYANCE THAN AN ACTUAL HATRED.
THAT'S THE SORT OF ANIMOSITY AN AUSPISTICE IS TRYING TO MEDIATE AND GET RID OF, AFTER ALL.

Look, basic is the best we're gonna get at this point.

So these...black romances? Why are they necessary? If people dislike or hate each other, why consider them romances?

BECAUSE IT'S A VALID FORM OF EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION BETWEEN TWO WILLING INDIVIDUALS.
COME ON, YOU HAVE TO HAVE SEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE CONSTANTLY AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS AND JUST *FEEL* LIKE THEY'RE ABOUT FIVE SECONDS AWAY FROM A SLOPPY MAKEOUT SESSION.
HOW ELSE WOULD YOU EXPLAIN THEM?

...Yeah, I guess that's a good point. Still, it doesn't seem like that kind of relationship is...healthy?

Like, why stick around with someone you hate?

BECAUSE HATE IS A PERFECTLY HEALTHY EMOTION TO FEEL?
WHY *WOULDN'T* YOU COUNT HATE AS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
I MEAN, SURE, SOME PEOPLE CAN BE ASSHOLES, BUT A PROPER KISMESIS IS SUPPOSED TO ANTAGONIZE YOU JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU ON YOUR TOES AND STOKE THE FLAMES OF RIVALRY IN YOU.
IT KEEPS A TROLL SHARP AND MAKES THE TWO INVOLVED A FORCED TO BE RECKONED WITH!
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY IMPRESSIVE STUFF.
WHY WOULDN'T THAT BE HEALTHY?

Yeah, I know that hating people is perfectly okay. I dunno it's just...weird.

[ She can't really imagine being with someone that she really hated, especially since the one person she hates more than anyone did nothing but put her down. ]

But I guess I just haven't had anyone to hate like that before.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY STRANGE.
I MEAN, MOST TROLLS ARE ABLE TO HATE PEOPLE PRETTY EASILY.
MAYBE IT'S A SPECIES THING? SOMEHOW YOUR SPECIES IS JUST PREDISPOSED TO NOT BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE THAT KING OF HATRED?
THAT'S JUST SO FUCKING WEIRD TO CONSIDER THOUGH.

Maybe. I mean, I know where I'm from, it's easy to hate people, but it's usually pretty frowned upon. And it's not usually good to get romantically involved with someone like that. But it could be different for other people.

[ Not that she really knows much about that anyway. ]

That's pretty interesting, though.

THAT IS SO FUCKED UP.
I THOUGHT ALL SPECIES AT LEAST HAD AN IDEA FOR THE DIFFERENT TYPES OF ROMANCE OUT THERE, BUT HAVING IT BE ACTIVELY FROWNED UPON IS REALLY FUCKING STRANGE.
I MEAN, I GUESS IT'S A LITTLE EASIER ONLY HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT ONE QUADRANT, BUT I STILL FIND IT WAY TOO STRANGE.

I guess strange is based on your point of view. This whole 'quadrant' thing might be weird to other people.

OKAY, FINE.
I'LL ADMIT THAT MAYBE IF I'M WEIRDED OUT BY ALL OF YOUR UTTER LACK OF APPRECIATION FOR QUADRANT-BASED ROMANCE, MAYBE I CAN ADMIT THAT SOME OF YOU ARE JUST AS WEIRDED OUT BY THE CONCEPT.
SEE? I CAN BE UNDERSTANDING FROM TIME TO TIME!
LOOK AT THIS GIANT HEAPING PILE OF UNDERSTANDING I'M HURLING DOWN AT EVERYONE'S FEET.

See, now doesn't that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?

NOT EXACTLY.
IF ANYTHING IT JUST SERVES TO HIGHLIGHT HOW FUCKING WEIRD EVERYONE HERE IS.

Don't I know it. But hey, if everyone's weird, then it just means we all have that in common.

[ Lena, you might have been hanging around Webby too long. ]

I... GUESS THAT MAKES SENSE, YEAH.

There you go. Sometimes you just gotta let people be weird.

But hey, thanks for sharing all this quadrant romance stuff. I thought it was pretty interesting.

WELL, THANKS FOR ACTUALLY STICKING AROUND AND BOTHERING TO READ, RATHER THAN BITCHING ABOUT IT BEING TOO STUPID LIKE HALF THE OTHER IDIOTS HERE.
NICE TO KNOW SOME PEOPLE ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT TRYING TO LEARN SOMETHING NEW!

Yeah, some of that was pretty harsh.

Though I'm guessing that being called stupid and told that one way of romancing is wrong might not have helped much?

WELL SOME PEOPLE WERE BEING STUPID!
BUT, OKAY, FINE.
I GUESS I COULD UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD GET THE WRONG IDEA.
BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT THEY SEE ME TRYING TO EXTEND AN OLIVE BRANCH OF SCHOOLFEEDING AND ACT LIKE I'M WAVING A GNARLED TREE MONSTER'S DICK IN THEIR FACE.

No I get it. There were definitely a lot of overreactions.

[ Adults, man. ]

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cancercarcino - 2020-06-24 22:35 (UTC) - Expand

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outofyourshadow - 2020-06-24 22:42 (UTC) - Expand

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