1st Memo - RAINBOW RUMPUS SCHOOLFEEDING TOWN [Open]

[cancercarcino]

Sender: Sun Wukong (Journey to the West) | Karkat Vantas

Recipient: Everyone

IT'S RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT AN EMBARRASSINGLY HIGH NUMBER OF PEOPLE TRAPPED IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A WIGGLER TALE SEEM TO BE STRUGGLING WITH A VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CIVILIZED LIVING.
WHETHER IT BE LAYING PROSTRATE ACROSS THESE PAGES WITH DESPERATE WORDS PLEADING FOR GUIDANCE OR BECAUSE A SCENE DICTATES IT TO BE SO IN ORDER TO FIX WHATEVER STORY WE'RE STUCK FIXING, THE LACK OF BASIC KNOWLEDGE ON THIS AREA IS HONESTLY PRETTY ASTOUNDING, GIVEN THAT THE ENTIRE REASON FOR OUR BEING HERE IS TO FIX *STORIES*.
YOU KNOW, THE THINGS YOU READ AND HAVE PREDICTABLE PLOT LINES AND END IN EITHER DEATH, MUTILATION, OR POSSIBLY THE FULFILLMENT OF ONE'S HOPES AND DREAMS IN ORDER TO FULFILL A READER'S OWN LACK OF FULFILLMENT IN THEIR OWN SAD EXISTENCE?
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT ROMANCE.
ROMANCE IS *FUNDAMENTAL* TO THESE KINDS OF STORIES, AND YET SO MANY OF YOU IDIOTS CAN'T SEEM TO GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPT OF ASKING SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE OR EVEN SORTING OUT YOUR OWN FEELINGS ON THE MATTER.
IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EMBARRASSING AND IT MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE FUCK YOUR SPECIES HAS EVEN EVOLVED PAST THE PRIMORDIAL SLIME STAGE TO MAKE IT THIS FAR.
BUT FEAR NOT, YOU SORRY, UNCULTURED HERD OF BEEFGRUBS!
BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I HAPPEN TO BE A GODDAMN *EXPERT* ON ROMANCE.
I'VE READ SO MANY TEXTS AND STUDIED SO MANY FILMS ON ROMANCE THAT I COULD DESCRIBE TO YOU THE SUBTLE NUANCES ONE MIGHT EXPERIENCE AND HOW THEY HELP TO ENRICH ANY ASPECT OF ONE'S ROMANTIC PURSUITS, FROM QUADRANT VACILLATION TO THE BALANCE BETWEEN HATRED AND KISMESISSITUDE.
"BUT WAIT," I HEAR YOU PRACTICALLY WHINING THROUGH THE PAGES OF YOUR JOURNAL, "HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THESE WORDS BEFORE??"
WELL THAT IS BECAUSE I'M TEACHING YOU ALL TROLL ROMANCE.
AND WHY AM I TEACHING YOU ALL ABOUT TROLL ROMANCE?
BECAUSE HUMAN ROMANCE IS DUMB AND SEVERELY LACKING IN ANY SORT OF SUBSTANCE OR COMPLEXITY.
IT'LL BE A CRASH COURSE IN CULTURAL EXCHANGE, SURE, BUT GIVEN HOW INADEQUATE HUMANS ARE WHEN IT COMES TO UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEX ROMANTIC ENDEAVOURS AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL A MOIRAIL FROM AN AUSPISTICE EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING THE PROPER TERMS FOR IT, THIS IS THE KIND OF ROMANCE I'M GOING TO TEACH.
AND HONESTLY, IF EVERY SINGLE STORY WE ENCOUNTER DEALS WITH ROMANCE OF SOME KIND, THIS INFORMATION IS GONNA BE VITAL FOR FIXING THEM SOONER AND GETTING THE FUCK BACK HOME FASTER!
SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT SCHOOLFEEDING OF YOUR LIVES, ALL FREE OF CHARGE!
OF COURSE, ANY PRAISE YOU WISH TO HURL MY WAY IS ACCEPTABLE AND EVEN ENCOURAGED.
I'M PRACTICALLY WAITING ON YOU PRONG AND FUCKING NUB OVER HERE, A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY, ENOUGH PREFACE, ON TO THE ACTUAL LESSON!

[And then Karkat draws the following image:]



YOU SEE THIS?
COPY IT DOWN. MEMORIZE IT. LIVE AND BREATHE IT.
BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BASIS OF ALL I'M ABOUT TO TEACH YOU ALL.
SERIOUSLY, FIND A GODDAMN PEN AND START TAKING NOTES.

[And unless anyone stops to ask questions, Karkat is going to go into a long-winded, swear-ridden description of troll romance for all to see.]

Comments

[bloodinbloom]

That's true.

I don't think we have to worry about our survival, but more about the people here. They're the ones affected by how it ends, right?

[cancercarcino]

ALL THE MORE REASON TO DO IT RIGHT, RIGHT?
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU PUNY HUMANS, BUT WHERE I’M FROM, ROMANCE CAN BE A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.
SO OF I SAY WE SHOULD TAKE THIS A LITTLE MORE SERIOUSLY AND MAYBE TRY OUT A WAY TO ACTUALLY EXPLAIN THE OTHER FORMS OF ROMANCE, MAYBE THERE’S A REASON FOR IT.

[bloodinbloom]

I don't know. It might be different for everyone again. I kind of wish I knew what it was like.

[cancercarcino]

WHAT WHAT WAS LIKE?
ROMANCE?
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ALL HUMANS KNEW WHAT SOME FORM OF ROMANCE WAS LIKE, AS PRIMITIVE AND STUPID AS YOUR VERSION IS.

[bloodinbloom]

Nope. I only read a few stories before coming here, but that's about it and those aren't really what it's supposed to be, right? After that, I read about bugs and flowers.

[cancercarcino]

BUGS AND FLOWERS?
WOW, YOU REALLY NEED SOME BETTER READING MATERIAL.
IF I HAD ANY OF MY NOVELS WITH ME RIGHT NOW I'D LEND YOU ONE TO READ.

[bloodinbloom]

That would be nice. It was all research material mainly.

If you ever somehow get one, I'd love to read it.

[cancercarcino]

UGH, RESEARCH MATERIAL?
THAT'S LITERALLY THE BULLSHITTIEST OF BULLSHIT TO SLOG THROUGH.
AND YOU READ THAT FOR *FUN*??
YOU NEED BETTER READING MATERIAL.

[bloodinbloom]

They weren't all that bad.

And now we're here with the Index's Library.

[cancercarcino]

THANK FUCK IF YOU ASK ME.
I THINK MY THINK PAN WOULD LITERALLY OOZE OUT OF MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS IF THAT WAS ALL I COULD READ.
FUCK, I THOUGHT SLOGGING THROUGH ~ATH MANUALS WAS BORING.
BUT YOU'RE RIGHT. AT LEAST WE HAVE PROPER BOOKS TO READ NOW.
BOOKS OBSESSED WITH ONLY ONE TYPE OF ROMANCE, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

[bloodinbloom]

I'm sure if we kept looking, maybe there would be a book with the four romance types in it. And now that everyone knows them all, it should be easier to spot.

[cancercarcino]

THERE FUCKING BETTER BE!
AND IF NOT, THEN FUCK, THERE'S NOTHING STOPPING US FROM MAKING IT HAPPEN WHEN WE FIX THESE STORIES, RIGHT?

[bloodinbloom]

Right! We can make it work out!

[cancercarcino]

FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO GETS IT!!
SEE, DOES IT KILL ANYONE TO OPEN THEIR MIND A LITTLE AND CONSIDER SOMETHING DIFFERENT??
THAT WASN’T SO HARD, WAS IT?

[bloodinbloom]

No? What's everyone else saying?

[cancercarcino]

OH, YOU KNOW, MOST OF THE PEOPLE REPLYING BACK OFFER A COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR ANYTHING I'VE SAID AND SIMPLY INSIST THAT IT'S "TOO HARD" TO UNDERSTAND.
WHILE ALSO ADMITTING THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO READ ANYTHING I SAID!
LIKE HOW THE FUCK IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING IF THEY DON'T BOTHER TO READ A DAMN THING??

[bloodinbloom]

I don't know. Maybe part way they decided they just weren't interested.

[cancercarcino]

BUT HOW??
IF ANYTHING THIS WOULD BE A GREAT EXAMPLE OF CULTURAL EXCHANGE, RIGHT??
HOW COULD THEY LOSE INTEREST??

[bloodinbloom]

I don't think it's anything against learning about another culture, but wasn't there a journal entry a while back someone asking about why every story seems to involve love? They might not be interested in romance in general.

[cancercarcino]

THERE WAS?
I MUST HAVE MISSED IT.
BUT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHY. I MEAN, IF YOU'RE FORCED TO SIT THROUGH ONE PARTICULAR STORYLINE OVER AND OVER, IT CAN GET A LITTLE DULL, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ALL TURN OUT THE SAME WAY.
I STILL THINK THE ART OF ROMANCE IS AN UNDER-APPRECIATED MEDIUM THAT ISN'T BEING EXPLORED PROPERLY, THOUGH.
ROMCOMS AREN'T ALL THAT BAD, YOU KNOW. IT'S JUST ABOUT VARIETY.
I MEAN, I BET IF WE MADE THE NEXT STORY MORE OF A PITCH ROMANCE, OR HECK, EVEN SOMETHING MORE PALE OR ASHEN, I BET IT WOULD BE MORE INTERESTING!

[bloodinbloom]

Maybe it was a post before you arrived? I could show you it later.

Yeah! It should be fun. Hopefully everyone else might be on board.

[cancercarcino]

WELL CONSIDERING ONE OF THE PEOPLE WHO RESPONDED SAID I SHOULD BE THE ONE IN CHARGE OF HOW THE ROMANCE GOES IN THE NEXT STORY, I THINK IT'S ONLY RIGHT FOR ME TO TAKE THAT ROLE!
I'M A PRETTY DAMN GOOD LEADER, OKAY?
IF I CAN MAKE A GROUP OF ASSHATS WORK TOGETHER TO PULL A VICTORY AGAINST NIGH-IMPOSSIBLE ODDS AND WIN A NEARLY UNWINNABLE GAME OF LITERAL LIFE OR DEATH, I THINK I CAN HANDLE A LITTLE ROMANTIC DIRECTION!

[bloodinbloom]

Well, I think you can do it too! Now I'm excited to see what story we'll fix next!