1st Memo - RAINBOW RUMPUS SCHOOLFEEDING TOWN [Open]

[cancercarcino]

Sender: Sun Wukong (Journey to the West) | Karkat Vantas

Recipient: Everyone

IT'S RECENTLY COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT AN EMBARRASSINGLY HIGH NUMBER OF PEOPLE TRAPPED IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A WIGGLER TALE SEEM TO BE STRUGGLING WITH A VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT OF CIVILIZED LIVING.
WHETHER IT BE LAYING PROSTRATE ACROSS THESE PAGES WITH DESPERATE WORDS PLEADING FOR GUIDANCE OR BECAUSE A SCENE DICTATES IT TO BE SO IN ORDER TO FIX WHATEVER STORY WE'RE STUCK FIXING, THE LACK OF BASIC KNOWLEDGE ON THIS AREA IS HONESTLY PRETTY ASTOUNDING, GIVEN THAT THE ENTIRE REASON FOR OUR BEING HERE IS TO FIX *STORIES*.
YOU KNOW, THE THINGS YOU READ AND HAVE PREDICTABLE PLOT LINES AND END IN EITHER DEATH, MUTILATION, OR POSSIBLY THE FULFILLMENT OF ONE'S HOPES AND DREAMS IN ORDER TO FULFILL A READER'S OWN LACK OF FULFILLMENT IN THEIR OWN SAD EXISTENCE?
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT ROMANCE.
ROMANCE IS *FUNDAMENTAL* TO THESE KINDS OF STORIES, AND YET SO MANY OF YOU IDIOTS CAN'T SEEM TO GRASP THE BASIC CONCEPT OF ASKING SOMEONE OUT ON A DATE OR EVEN SORTING OUT YOUR OWN FEELINGS ON THE MATTER.
IT'S PRETTY FUCKING EMBARRASSING AND IT MAKES ME WONDER HOW THE FUCK YOUR SPECIES HAS EVEN EVOLVED PAST THE PRIMORDIAL SLIME STAGE TO MAKE IT THIS FAR.
BUT FEAR NOT, YOU SORRY, UNCULTURED HERD OF BEEFGRUBS!
BECAUSE DESPITE YOUR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I HAPPEN TO BE A GODDAMN *EXPERT* ON ROMANCE.
I'VE READ SO MANY TEXTS AND STUDIED SO MANY FILMS ON ROMANCE THAT I COULD DESCRIBE TO YOU THE SUBTLE NUANCES ONE MIGHT EXPERIENCE AND HOW THEY HELP TO ENRICH ANY ASPECT OF ONE'S ROMANTIC PURSUITS, FROM QUADRANT VACILLATION TO THE BALANCE BETWEEN HATRED AND KISMESISSITUDE.
"BUT WAIT," I HEAR YOU PRACTICALLY WHINING THROUGH THE PAGES OF YOUR JOURNAL, "HOW COME I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THESE WORDS BEFORE??"
WELL THAT IS BECAUSE I'M TEACHING YOU ALL TROLL ROMANCE.
AND WHY AM I TEACHING YOU ALL ABOUT TROLL ROMANCE?
BECAUSE HUMAN ROMANCE IS DUMB AND SEVERELY LACKING IN ANY SORT OF SUBSTANCE OR COMPLEXITY.
IT'LL BE A CRASH COURSE IN CULTURAL EXCHANGE, SURE, BUT GIVEN HOW INADEQUATE HUMANS ARE WHEN IT COMES TO UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEX ROMANTIC ENDEAVOURS AND WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TELL A MOIRAIL FROM AN AUSPISTICE EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING THE PROPER TERMS FOR IT, THIS IS THE KIND OF ROMANCE I'M GOING TO TEACH.
AND HONESTLY, IF EVERY SINGLE STORY WE ENCOUNTER DEALS WITH ROMANCE OF SOME KIND, THIS INFORMATION IS GONNA BE VITAL FOR FIXING THEM SOONER AND GETTING THE FUCK BACK HOME FASTER!
SO I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE MOST IMPORTANT SCHOOLFEEDING OF YOUR LIVES, ALL FREE OF CHARGE!
OF COURSE, ANY PRAISE YOU WISH TO HURL MY WAY IS ACCEPTABLE AND EVEN ENCOURAGED.
I'M PRACTICALLY WAITING ON YOU PRONG AND FUCKING NUB OVER HERE, A LITTLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT WOULD BE NICE.
OKAY, ENOUGH PREFACE, ON TO THE ACTUAL LESSON!

[And then Karkat draws the following image:]



YOU SEE THIS?
COPY IT DOWN. MEMORIZE IT. LIVE AND BREATHE IT.
BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BASIS OF ALL I'M ABOUT TO TEACH YOU ALL.
SERIOUSLY, FIND A GODDAMN PEN AND START TAKING NOTES.

[And unless anyone stops to ask questions, Karkat is going to go into a long-winded, swear-ridden description of troll romance for all to see.]